Not Me
by Peaceouttalove
Summary: Kyle has made a huge scientific discovery! He has managed to clone himself! But this isn't just your average clone, he's like a terminator and will stop at nothing to kill Kyle. Kyman with hints of Stendy.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Kyle's POV

I was still getting over the fact that Dr. Mephesto left his laboratory and all his scientific research and equipment to me in his will! He was I was the smartest kid (I guess he considers 25 a kid because he's like over 100 years old!) in my generation in all of South Park! I had only just started working here a week ago and I think I was already on the verge of completing his cloning experiments!

A knock on the door made me jump. "Who is it?" "Your old friend, Stanley Marsh." "Oh my God! Stan!" I ran to the door and hugged my friend. "I can't believe it's been over a year!" I said. "I know. I came to congratulate you about your whole mad scientist thing. And just see how things are doing." "Never better thanks." "You sure Cartman's treating you OK?" "Of course he is. We've been over it. Eric's changed." Stan just nodded. "Look, if that's why you came you should probably go." "No, no. I just...It's just...I mean i accept it, but...It's so fucked up that you two are...married!" Stan finally blurted. Well at least he accepted it.

"So how are things with you and Wendy?" I changed the subject. "Pretty good. I mean we're not engaged or anything but we're living together." "That's good."

"So what are you working on?" Stan asked. "Just a cloning project, but I don't think it'll work with just one strain of DNA. Shame." "Can't you just get two people's toe nails or something?" "It looks like I'm gonna have to, but I'm scared it'll morph into something monstrous if the genes don't splice right." "What do you mean?" Stan asked. "I mean I'm not sure if I should get identical twins who finish each other's sentences or two people who are the exact opposite in every way shape and form." I clarified. "Nothing in between?" "I guess I could try in between. Mephesto's statics show that one of the two extremes will end badly but he didn't say anything about in between."

"All right. How about you and me?" Stan asked. I raised and eyebrow, "You really wanna donate your DNA?" "Sure why not?" "All right...We get along great, but we look completely different and have different interests, so I guess it could work."

I took a strain of my hair and put it into the makeshift cloning machine and gestured for Stan to do the same. "Now put your hand on that scanner and don't move it until I say so OK?" Stan nodded. I put my hand right next to his, and pressed the button with my free hand. "You might feel a slight jolt of electricity go through your-OW!" So much for slight my head felt like it was on fire. A second later the machine powered down. "OK, take your hand away." I said as I opened my eyes and rubbed my head.

I gasped as Stan screamed. There was no clone, but Stan's hair was now bright red (like mine). "Dude! You're not a ginger anymore!" "What are you talking about? We're both gingers now." "WHAT?" "Come." I said leading him to the mirror conveniently in the corner of the room. Now I was on the verge on passing out. My hair was now raven (like Stan's). "What the hell, dude? We totally swapped hair colors!" "Way to state the obvious, dude. Now calm down. I think I can fix this." I said I took another piece of my now black hair. "Yeah, I think Wendy's mom has black hair dye because she's starting to grey, and I'm sure they sell red hair dye somewhere." Stan suggested. "That's a good plan B." I placed the hair under a microscope and began to run some tests. Everything seemed normal until the DNA came up. It didn't match my own patterns (which I had on file). Odd.

"Stan, can I have another piece of your hair?" "Sure. You sure you don't wanna just get the hair dye?" "Maybe later. I just wanna see something." I examined the strain, and sure enough everything except for the DNA was normal. The DNA patterns matched my own this time.

"Is everything OK, dude?" Stan asked. "Can you recognize your DNA patterns?" I asked. "I doubt it, but you can have a toe nail clipping if you need it." "Thanks." I said and examined the toe nail's DNA. Just as I thought, it matched the raven hair. "I think I made a scientific discovery." I said. "Really? What?" "Look at your hair's DNA, and my DNA." I said. "I don't get it. They look the same." "Exactly. Now look at my hair and your DNA." "They still look the same." "Don't you see, Stan, our hair didn't just swap color, it also swapped DNA." "So, I should get the hair dyes?" I sighed, "Probably."

As Stan left, I examined my hair as a whole. It was still puffy, and the same length, just black instead of red. I reached for my phone and speed dialed for Eric. _'Hello, you've reached Officer Cartman, I can't get to you because I'm out being a totally kewl and awesome cop. So respect my authoritah!...At the tone please record your message. Beep'_ "It's me. Can you do me a favor and bring my old green hat down to lab when you get the chance. I think it's stashed under our bed or something. Thanks."

I heard someone going through my papers from behind me. "Stan? Are you still here?" "Hi Kyle. Remember me." a voice called. No, it couldn't be. I turned. Sure enough the green eyed freckled boy was there. "I've done it!" I cried. It must've taken a week for the specimen to grow. That was why one DNA didn't work at first, and two didn't work at all. "Hi, um, this might sound crazy, but you're a copy of me." "Oh, I don't think so." he said. That's when I noticed he had a rope and duck tape in his hand.

* * *

**What is Kyle's clone gonna do to him? Will he and Stan get their hair back to normal? Find out next time! The sooner you review, the sooner I will update! **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_Cartman's POV _

After arresting some hippies for vandalizing city property, I headed back to the station to rub it into the other officers' faces. They were all watching Family Guy while eating doughnuts. I wasn't chief of police for nothing.

"Hey, assholes, save a doughnut for me?" "Nope, took you long enough, though. Did you manage to catch them?" Tyler said. "Respect my authoritah, I can fire you, you know! Of course I caught them." I said. "You can't fire me that's the head of police's job, not the chief of police. There's a difference you know." I rolled my eyes and sat down. "You know the least you douche bags could've done was save me a doughnut!" "Actually, fatty, we were doing you a favor. The doughnut would take you three hundred calories closer to your sugary death." Charles laughed. "Shut up! I have a loaded gun on me!"

"Shhh! We're missing a hilarious flashback with Stewie forgetting his alphabet!" Shawn hissed. "It's not fucking funny!" I shouted.

There was a knock on the door, before anyone of us could get anymore pissed. "Come in!" I said cooly. The cop in training came into the room. We called him Junior because we never caught his real name. I liked the kid considering he was the only one on the team who actually respected my authoritah. "Mr. Cartman, you dropped your phone on your way to deal with the vandalizing people. I would've said something, but I didn't know if it was worth making you lose your chance to arrest them." "Thanks Junior." I said as I took the phone.

I went in the other room to hear my missed messages from Kyle. _'It's me. Can you do me a favor and bring my old green hat down to lab when you get the chance. I think it's stashed under our bed or something. Thanks.'_ Well that was a random request. I hadn't seen that old thing since he cut his stupid jewfro a couple years back.

I checked the next message he sent me before doing anything. _'Forget the hat, I need you now! Please hurry! It's an emergency. It's gonna kill m-No, no, please don't-AAAA!'_ Oh shit! "Don't worry Kahl, I'm coming!"

_Kyle's POV_

The clone had me tied up and gagged and had promised to kill me as soon as he was done shredding and deleting every document in sight. My only hope was that Eric had gotten my message.

"Hey, check out this doc, a formula explaining how to declone yourself, let's delete that...And guess what I think that's the last of 'em." It turned backed to me with a devilish grin. I was so screwed.

Suddenly the door was kicked open, "Respect my authoritah, punk!" Oh thank God! I don't think I've ever been this happy to see Eric Cartman in my entire life. That was until he pointed his gun at me. He turned to the clone, "Looks like you've saved yourself for once."

Shit, my hair was black! He must've thought that that was me. "Yeah, the clone turned out perfect 'cept for the hair...and the fact that it tried to kill me, but I managed to get him on my own." "Mmm, mmph, mmmmph!" Damn it, I sounded like Kenny with this stupid gag. Eric turned back to me, (with the gun still to my head) "What'd it say?" "I don't know. He thinks that he's me and I'm the clone."

I tried again, "Mmph mmm mmph!" "You should probably shoot it." "You sure? You've been talking about this cloning project twenty-four seven and how if it worked you'd run tests on it and see-"

The door opened again and my Super Best Friend returned with a shopping bag from a beauty salon. "Hey, Kyle, I'm back with the-" Eric had him against the wall with his gun to his neck. "Respect my authoritah!" "Uh, yeah, it's good to see you, too, fat ass, please don't shoot me." Stan smiled weakly. "Stan? Dafaq! Since when were you a ginger?" Eric lowered the gun and stepped back.

"It's a long story, but I'm sure that-" Stan looked at me and the clone, confused. "Mm, mmph!" I don't know how, but he seemed to understand me. He nodded and ran to my side, ripping the tape off of my mouth. As I gasped for air, Stan quickly explained how we switched hair color and gestured to the bag with the hair dyes.

"It's true." I said, "and when he left, the clone finally formed, but it took a week and that's why it wasn't working before, I wasn't patient enough." "That's just stupid!" the clone protested, "Stan was over here when I made it, and his hair dropped into the machine that's why they swapped hair colors, but I think it has Stan under some sort of mind control." "Mind control? You're supposed to have my intelligence, and we both know that's impossible, and if it were, if you're not capable of it then I wouldn't be either." I fought back. "Oh yeah, well, you're tied up and I'm not!" The clone stuck its tongue out at me. I rolled my eyes. So much for my intelligence.

Stan began to untie me as Eric glanced back and forth between me and the clone trying to decide which one was which. "What the hell are you doing?" the clone shouted at Stan. "Don't yell at my friend like that!" I said. "Shut up!" It yanked Eric's gun from him. "Kahl, I don't think you should-" "Fuck off, fat ass!" It pointed the gun at him. "You wouldn't." Eric said. "_He_ wouldn't, but that doesn't mean _I_ won't." Oh God! If only Stan had loosened the ropes a little bit more then I could manage to wriggle out do something.

"Respect my authoritah, bitch!" Eric bashed the clone's head with his club and grabbed his gun back. Stan then untied me and we ran to the police station.


	3. Chapter 3

**I forgot about this story. Sorry, I'll be sure to update more. Thanks. **

Chapter 3

I woke up on the couch in Eric's office. I didn't know how I got there, but I was just glad I was alive. Maybe it was all a bad dream. "Kyle?" I jumped. A boy was standing by the doorway. "Who are you?" "I'm Felix, but the guys around here call me Junior. Mr. Cartman told me to tell you that he won't rest until he catches that evil clone thing." "Did he get him yet?" "I don't think so. Anyway, we all think it's best if you stay here at station until he comes back." I nodded.

"We're watching Family Guy downstairs, you can join us if you want." Felix invited me. "Sure." I didn't realize I was wearing a heavy vest until I got up. "Bullet proof?" I asked. "Yup, we don't wanna take any chances."

Stan was downstairs with the rest of the police, he had a bullet proof vest, too. "Hey, Kyle. This is Tyler, Shawn, Charles, and Dexter." "Doughnut?" Dexter shoved the box in my face. "No thank you, I'm diabetic." This made them all start to laugh till they cried. I glanced at Stan to see if he found me being diabetic funny, but he just shrugged. "Sorry," Charles said, "It just that-" he started chuckling again, "you're supposedly ginger, Jewish, and diabetic." "Yeah so?" "So that's everything Cartman rips on. Honestly what do you see in him?" Tyler laughed. "Shhh! We're missing a hilarious chicken fight!" Shawn hissed.

Tyler's walkie-talkie crackled, _'Tyler, do you read me?_' "Loud and clear, what's up Joe?" _'There's a smok'in hot chick downstairs. Probably gonna report a missing purse or something. Stay tuned for more info.'_ "So I'm guessing hot girls don't come around her often?" Stan asked. "No, but when they do the usually come with their boyfriends and husbands and lesbian girlfriends. So this is like a really big deal. " Dexter explained. '_Oh false alarm, it's just Stan's girlfriend. She wants to see him.'_ 'Copy that.' Tyler said and he put his walkie-talkie back into his pocket.

Wendy came up a few moments later and found herself wrapped in Stan's arms. "I was so worried." She reached into her bag, "I bought you guys some hair dye." "But, I already got hair-Never mind, it's in Mephesto's, and I don't think we're allowed back in for a while." Stan said.

"WHAT?" I cried. "It's only until Cartman clears the place." Stan assured me. "But, I have-No, never mind the clone destroyed all my documents." I sighed. "Dude! I'm sorry that had to happen. Is there anyway to get them back?" I shook my head, "He broke all the flash drives I had them backed on." "How much information was there?" Wendy asked. "Years and years worth." I sighed.

"Man, that was crazy, who's up for another episode?" Shawn said. "Shouldn't you guys be out patrolling or something?" Wendy asked. "Well, we didn't get a 9-1-1 call." Dexter explained. "Shhh! We're missing the opening credits!" Shawn hissed. Felix stepped forward nervously. "Actually I was gonna-" "Shut the hell up, Junior!" Tyler shouted. "But can't I go patrol the streets?" "Fine, just leave us alone." Charles said. "Thank you." He said and ran outside.

I noticed that he left his gun on the table. I grabbed it and went after him. "Wait, dude!" I followed him out onto the street. Finally Felix heard me and turned, "Oh, I don't need it. It's a water gun." "Huh?" "Well, I'm just a cop in training, so I'm not really certified to carry a real gun while I'm on duty, so I carry that thing around to make myself look good." I nodded.

"You should probably get back to the station." "Oh right." The clone was still after me, so standing out in the open here, I was like a stupid sitting duck. "Should I walk you back?" Felix said awkwardly. "It's not even twenty feet away, I'll be fine." "OK."

But as I walked back, my familiar voice said, "There you are." I froze. "You know, I've been looking everywhere for you, Kyle." He said as he approached me. Doing the only thing that came into my head, I held out Felix's water gun, "Get any closer and I'll shoot!" I cried trying to keep the shakiness out of my voice.

"Oooh, a game. I love games. I never lose." "What do you want?" I asked,Maybe he meant well and we were just overreacting. "You dead." he threatened. So much for that? "Why? I created you. You shouldn't want me dead." I said.

Felix suddenly cuffed his hands. "Oh my God! This is the first time I've done something like this...Um...you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say can and will be used against you...um...Oh for crying out loud you know the rest!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_Cartman's POV_

Junior couldn't stop thanking me for promoting him, but it was the least I could do. "Eric!" a familiar voice called. I froze. "Kahl?" I met his green eyes, but something was wrong. They weren't his eyes. I saw right past his stupid façade.

I pinned him to the wall with my gun. "How many times do we have to arrest you?" "As many times as you need to mend your broken heart." "Dafaq is that supposed to mean?" Before the clone could reply, it hit me, "Where's the real Kahl?" "Dead." he said with a smirk.

"No! NO! NOOO!" This couldn't be happening. My heart was being crushed. I couldn't breath.

* * *

"Shh, Eric, it's OK, it was just a nightmare." I blinked and looked around. I was in bed, Kyle, next to me. "It's really you, isn't it?" I asked. His kiss said it all.

"Why wouldn't it be me?" Kyle asked when we pulled away. "I-Well you had this clone and-It's a long story." I said. "A clone? I wish! I'd never clone myself until I know it's safe to clone humans, but nobody wants to be the firt test subject and I doubt it's even be possible." "But I thought you were working on Mephesto's cloning project all week." "What are you talking about? I don't start in Mephesto's office until tomorrow. Man, that must've been a fucked up nightmare." "You have no idea." I said as I pulled him into another kiss.

"But it did show me how much you really mean to me. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Well if it makes you feel any better, I'm all up for those self defense lessons you've been telling me about." Kyle said. "Yeah, that would make me feel better. Wow you always know the perfect thing to say." I replied. "I know I do." He laughed and kissed me. As scary as that nightmare was, it made me realize how lucky I was to have Kyle.

**The End ;P**

* * *

**Hooray, another cheesy clichè ending! Hope you enjoyed. See you next time.**


End file.
